I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say a variation of these sentences.
“We just grew apart.”
“We don’t like anything the same anymore.”
“It’s like they don’t know me.”
“We just want different things.”
“I just can’t see my future with them anymore.”
or the most common one, “We’re just too different now and they suddenly want to do all of these things. But that’s not who they were when we first started dating.”
Well, this might be a surprise to some of you but the person you are dating or are married to isn’t supposed to stay the same. And neither are you for that matter.
But honestly, wouldn’t that be so boring if they did. I mean, if my husband was the exact same person that he was when we started dating we would have missed out on so many different things. It would mean that he never grew, or tried new things, and everyday would be the same. How monotonously boring!!
On the flip side of that, I can understand how hard it can be when someone you love has grown and you’re not connected to that part of them. That’s really terrifying actually. And when we look at it from that perspective it’s no wonder that so many people want to flee the relationship when they think they don’t really know the person anymore, or when they feel like the other person didn’t bother to get to know a new part of them. That is scary and hurtful and a natural reaction would be to protect yourself.
I get it, but I also know that it’s SO possible to find a way to reconnect or even prevent this in the first place. It’s actually a lot simpler than you might think too.
Dream talk.
That’s right, dream talk. I’m not talking about dreams from your sleep rather the dreams from your heart. The things that you long to do and to be. Most couples don’t understand the value of this but it’s actually incredibly intimate. Most of our dreams have a story behind them and that’s why they are so deeply meaningful to us. But sometimes it can be challenging to share these dreams with someone. It can also be very difficult to dream with someone when life gets so busy and you barely have time to talk as it is.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day and between work, raising kids, managing a house, and everything else life throws at you it can be hard to remember to dream. But without it you may find yourselves waking up one day realizing that you’ve both been working on separate things. Another variation of this is that one of you finally started pursuing something and the other person is shocked about it and feels left behind because they just don’t get it. They didn’t know their partner has been dreaming.
Now I know that you might argue with me that it’s too hard to dream when life is so chaotic or maybe even that dreaming is a luxury, but it’s really not. Not every dream has to be huge or even realistic. One of my favorite dream conversations that my husband and I have is what would we do if we won the lottery. It’s not likely to ever happen but it’s just a fun conversation and I’ve learned some awesome things about my husband. And if life is really chaotic then having a fun conversation may be just what you need to lighten things up.
But then there’s the realistic dreams and these are so important. The thing is, life moves quickly and our experiences will change us. Change is really the only constant that we have. Because of this, we simply have to dream together to grow together. You and your love may not always share the same dreams and that’s ok. As long as your talking about your dreams and creating some dreams together you’re giving yourselves opportunities to remain connected. Even more, you’re giving each other opportunities to support each other’s dreams.
I challenge you to think beyond things like your dream career or dream house though and share things that you have imagined for yourself. One of my dreams that I have is having a big family and picturing them together at holidays and on vacation. From there, there are SO many conversations of what that actually means to me that my husband and I get to talk about. It means so much more to me than just having the vacation and on a deeper level it’s about creating a big family that really enjoys being with each other. I could go so much deeper with that but I think you get the point. When we dream talk we’re actually opening up vulnerable sides of ourselves and letting the other person in.
If you’re finding yourself saying something along the lines of what I listed in the beginning that’s ok too and it’s not too late. You may not actually know your partner all that well these days but that doesn’t mean you can’t. Find curiosity within yourself to just listen. Ask them what is motivating them right now and what’s their story. Ask why whatever is going on is so important and genuinely listen and be curious. It’s not about you agreeing, it’s about you hearing them, making them feel heard, and understanding their perspective even if you don’t totally agree. Ask them what they want in their life right now and share what you want. Ask how they would feel supported.
And be curious.
Be ready to listen and learn.
If you feel like you don’t know them then simply be curious and dream talk. You might be surprised to find what you’ll learn.
I know this can be as challenging as it is fun. I’m very curious to hear what you learned from your spouse. Tell me about it in the comments below!
