The Research Behind What Makes Marriages Work vs. Struggling Marriages
Several years back when I was studying psychology during my undergrad I was required to read a book called Blink by Malcom Gladwell. It’s a very interesting read that I recommend if you’re interested in 
Gladwell discussed Gottman’s research where he studied couples in what has become known as the “Couples Love Lab.” The significance of this is that up until this point no one really knew what made struggling marriages or healthy marriages, at least not with research to back it up. But through decades of research Gottman has not only identified the four characteristics that lead to divorce, but he is able to identify them very quickly and with almost 94% accuracy! It’s amazing and also terrifying. But it also means that we’re given an opportunity to learn what we can do better for our marriages.
It’s actually because of Gottman’s research that I decided to become a marriage and family therapist. I was not only fascinated by his research but I also became so excited about what it meant for couples struggling to connect and make things work, and I loved the idea of getting to share this information with others. Fast forward to today, and it’s one of my favorite things I get to do as a therapist because understanding these characteristics and how they become four reasons for divorce is HUGE! But even more of a game changer is learning the possible antidotes to them!
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
So Gottman named these characteristics the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If you’re not familiar with this reference it’s pulled from the book of Revelation in the Bible that describes the end times. Pretty heavy, right? But honestly, that is such a fitting name because these four negative behaviors will absolutely bring the end of a relationship with devastation and destruction if they are not managed and repaired. So here they are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and Contempt.
1.) Criticism
Any time you find yourself saying “you always do….” or “you never do…” you’re moving into criticism. The “always” and “nevers” are rarely helpful to a conflict because it immediately puts the other person into a place of defense (which is the next one) and it also creates blinders for yourself of all the moments that are good. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discuss your concerns but instead means that we have to be mindful of how we discuss these issues. Gottman suggests that we use “Gentle Startups” when we need to have a difficult conversation. So instead of saying, “I hate that you always leave your dirty dishes out. You’re such a slob!” try starting the conversation gently. You can replace that with, “Is now a good time to talk about the house? I’ve noticed that there have been dirty dishes left out and when I see them in the morning I feel overwhelmed.” Notice that in this second example I’m describing my experience (with facts and not interpretation) and owning my emotions without blaming.
2.) Defensiveness
The second characteristic of the 4 Horsemen is defensiveness. This is problematic because it creates a barrier from understanding the other person’s perspective and need and also means that you are preparing to fight. Instead of becoming guarded I suggest practicing having willingness and curiosity. Willingness and curiosity to hear and understand the other person’s perspective as well as willingness to own and take responsibility for what you need to. The antidote to this one is so humbling but honestly guys, it’s a game changer and can seriously shorten the length of a fight. This doesn’t mean that you have to take responsibility for everything, especially if it’s not something you did, but really ask yourself, “What is my role here and what can I be responsible for?”
3.) Stonewalling
Oh man, stonewalling. Think about those times during a fight where you just feel so overwhelmed that you check out. Your eyes start to roll back and even though you are physically present, you are not present. On the other side of this, your spouse sees this behavior and likely becomes more upset because it’s clear that they aren’t getting through to you. It often provokes that logic and response of, “If I just say it louder they’ll hear me this time,” when in reality that just makes you shut down more. So the solution to this, whether you’re shutting down or still wanting to scream is to do some self-soothing. Both of you just take some deep breathes, tighten your muscles and then release them to release some tension, take a walk, etc. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or shut down ask to pause the conversation and take a 20 minute break. The caveat here is that you MUST come back to the conversation and when you are both calm. State that you plan to come back so that no one feels invalidated, blown off, or abandoned. It will be far more productive and your emotions and physiological responses will be more regulated.
4.) Contempt
This is the most dangerous one of them all. Contempt can show up in a lot of ways from rolling your eyes to talking down to the other person. It’s that sense of superiority and separating yourselves from being on the same level in the relationship. Name calling is another big red flag of contempt. Contempt is really misunderstood by many people and it’s thought of as a “dislike,” but really it’s so much uglier than that. In the deepest part of contempt it’s the attitude of “I’m better than you” and that attitude is felt by the other person to their core.
Now lets think about this. If marriage is supposed to be the most precious, safe, and intimate relationship in your life then how devastating would it be to feel this attitude from your spouse that they are better than you and they are disgusted by you? Just the thought of that is painful and uncomfortable, so it is no wonder that this behavior and characteristic destroys relationships.
So what’s the antidote? Creating and finding fondness and admiration for the other person. Going back to that dirty dish example – You may feel frustrated by the mess and you be overwhelmed and at your limit; I hear you. But what else is there about your spouse that you admire? Sometimes this can be difficult when you aren’t feeling happy with them but think back on how you met them. What was so special about them? Or what do they do that is so meaningful to you? Are you fond of their relationship with your kids? Or how about how they look in that one outfit? I promise you, there are things that you feel fondness for but you may have to challenge yourself to find them. Look for those things before you go and blow up about the dirty dish. Remember that even though you feel so frustrated by this mess that there are so many other things now and throughout your relationship that have been meaningful.
So there they are. Four reasons that your marriage may be struggling. If you’re like me, you may have read those things and felt overwhelmed while thinking, “Oh crap! I do all of those things!” If you are, don’t panic! Knowing about the four horsemen means that you have great opportunities to address them. And just so you know, even the healthiest relationships have battles with the four horsemen. What is more important is how you come back to each other and make repairs.
I encourage you all to get familiar with these behaviors and discuss them with your spouse. Talk about how you see them show up and what might be helpful to overcome them together as a couple. That conversation is not intended to be a fight, rather a review of how you’ve handled things in the past so that today you can try something new. Good luck and let me know how it goes!!
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