Have you ever been in a fight and at the end of it the other person says something like, “Why can’t you just say sorry?!”
It’s a legitimate question. Why can’t you?
In many cases, I think it’s just that we don’t know how. Or if you do, you don’t know how to get there because you’re still too upset. This is a problem that I really believe most people can relate to. The hard part about saying sorry is that in order for us to have learned how to apologize we had to witness it and/or experience it. Sadly, there are a lot of people out there who have never learned what an apology looks like. So here’s your chance. Let’s take a look at how to get to saying sorry and what an apology actually means and what it looks like.
What’s the struggle? And what’s the point?
You know that feeling when you get to the end of an argument and you know that you’re both tired of fighting and ready to move on, but you’re just… stuck. You want to move on but you’re just not sure that your spouse understands what you’re feeling and why you’re upset. It feels unresolved.
So what’s missing?
The apology and the repair.
It can be painful and challenging to transition out of an argument or conflict when you don’t feel understood and/or when an apology is not received. The challenge with saying “I’m sorry” though is that it requires us to be humble, remove our defenses, and to step out of our ego and pride.
This is the struggle and it’s so hard. But that’s also why it’s so meaningful, isn’t it?
But here’s the thing. Each time you say sorry to your spouse and take responsibility for your part you’re given an opportunity to re-connect and to strengthen the trust of your relationship as you make a repair.
The truth is, you are going to hurt and offend each other at times but when you are able to get over your excuses and actually apologize you are creating a healthy cycle of conflict management.
Conflicts have to happen. They’re inevitable. How you apologize and repair the conflict can make the difference between a healthy relationship and a destructive relationship. This is the value and the point of saying “I’m sorry.” It means that you value the other person more than your pride and you’re willing to connect with them and their experience.
Getting to sorry.
So how do you get saying sorry? This can be a challenge that many couples struggle with, especially when the fight is heated. Honestly, you may need to take a break from the conversation to cool off and reflect before you’re ready to say those few powerful words (and I talk about that here and here). If you need a break then take it because hearing an apology from an angry tone feels like crap and is pretty meaningless. It feels like they’re just words being used to get you to stop talking when you’re on the receiving end. That may not be the intention, but that’s what it feels like so it’s only going to perpetuate the issue.
So first, you’ve gotta practice some self-soothing so that you can speak from a genuine place. You have to find some willingness to problem solve and consider the other person’s perspective.
Listen.
So how do you consider their perspective? You have to listen. This sounds simple, but how many times have you had an argument and you’re preparing your response in your head while the other person is talking. This is what defensiveness looks like and let me tell you this. That wall of defense has the potential to cause more harm than good. It’s going to keep you emotionally separated and prevent you from understanding your spouse.
This is a problem because how can you genuinely apologize if you didn’t actually hear them? When you listen, pay attention to your body language, give eye contact, and set your agenda to the side until it’s your turn to talk. Notice if you feel defensive and remember that you are on the same team.
Repeat what you heard.
A great way to test your listening skills is to simply repeat back what you heard. Literally tell the other person what you heard them say and what they feel like the issue is. Then, check in with them.
“I heard you say that when I don’t let you know that I’m getting off of work late that you become very stressed, worried, and you feel alone with the kids. Did I get that right or did I miss anything?”
Ask them if you heard it all and if you’re missing anything. It doesn’t matter at this point if you disagree, it matters that you heard them and understand their perspective. After you’ve heard them you can share your experience and ask them to listen in the same way that you did.
Validate.
I find that people often get hung up on validating because they think that it means that they are agreeing with the other person. This isn’t actually the case. Validating simply means that you can understand their perspective and what they’re feeling. You may not agree, but in most cases I bet there is something you can understand.
“I can understand how you thought I blew you off when I didn’t respond right away. It makes sense that you became so angry if you saw it that way.”
Notice in this example that there is likely a different perspective, but this person is trying to see their spouse’s point of view and reasons for feeling the way that they do. Also, notice that they are telling them that they’re wrong for feeling angry. Even though it’s likely that they have an explanation for what happened they aren’t saying telling their spouse to stop being angry. They’re validating their spouse’s experience. And when it’s their turn to speak and give an explanation their partner may be more willing to listen, understand, and move on more quickly because they feel understood.
An amazing thing happens to the intensity of someone’s emotions when they are validated. It’s kind of like that part of their brain goes, “Oh! We got noticed and heard! Ok, let’s settle down now and let reason and logic (and the part of your brain that problem sovles) back in.”
(This is literally what happens in your brain when you are flooded. Your emotion brain runs the show and your reason brain is shut down.)
Take ownership.
Every conflict has two sides and two sets of behaviors. Be honest with yourself about your role. Maybe you have legitimate reasons for being angry, but did you raise your voice? Did you criticize? Did you roll your eyes? Did you interrupt?
I ask these questions because those are all disrespectful actions and add to what makes a disagreement a fight. Dig deeper though and reflect on what your spouse may be thinking and feeling. Be willing to step out of your pride and acknowledge where you made a mistake. It can be easy to say, “Sorry that I made you mad,” but are you really being responsible for what you did that caused the anger?
Be specific. Don’t cut corners. Be vulnerable. Get over your pride.
Actually say, “I’m sorry.”
When you take responsibility for something you need to actually say “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” I’ve had encounters with people that somehow get out of a conflict by saying something like, “Oh ya, I get it. Lets move on.” It’s so irritating. They basically snuck their way out of an apology and without having to be responsible.
So when you apologize, don’t skip those words.
“I can understand how you feel angry because you didn’t hear from. It makes sense that you would feel that way and I’m sorry that I didn’t communicate that I would be getting off of work late.”
What comes after “I’m sorry.”
This part is just as important as saying sorry. It’s where you create the repair and re-connect. When you get here you need to ask yourself, or even better you can ask your spouse, if there is anything they need to feel resolved. Basically, you are making amends. So if there is something that you can do to make up for what happened now is the time.
Often times though, all that is needed is a way to feel connected. Humor is a great way to diffuse tension and move on. Sometimes hugging or physical touch is helpful. Sometimes just acknowledging where things got crossed and talking about the fight (not getting back into the issues of the fight) can be helpful. Each scenario may be different.
The bottom line.
I know I gave you a lot of information, but honestly, all of this is important. The bottom line though is this. If you can’t remember the last time you said sorry at the end of a fight you need to do mindful check in with yourself and you may have some changes to make. No one is perfect, which means we’ve all got junk we’ve got to learn how to own and be responsible for.
So, step out of your pride, when you listen you need to actually listen, validate, take ownership, say “I’m sorry”, and make the repair. I promise you, your conflicts will change if you can start practicing some of this together.
Let me know about some of your experiences down below. Tell me about your Married &…
