Conflict is one of those things in relationships that no one likes to talk about or acknowledge that it exists. We skirt around it in conversations with friends and we fear the judgments of others if they knew that we fought with our spouse. It’s that expectation for ourselves that we’re supposed to have it all together (or is that just me?). But here’s the deal. Conflict has a bad rep and it’s not all bad. So here’s my 4 reasons why your relationship needs conflict.
Before we get into that lets clarify what kind of conflict I am talking about. I am not talking about violent or abusive conflicts; that’s never appropriate. I’m also not talking about behaviors within the 4 Horsemen (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, or defensiveness). Those will occur and it’s important to take steps to reduce those behaviors and I talk about that here. For now, I’m simply talking about the concept of conflict in which you disagree, don’t see eye to eye, etc.
1. You Both Have Your Own Thoughts and Opinions
Relationships take two people. Two minds. Two sets of thoughts and opinions. Two sets of actions. Two sets of feelings. Two….you get my point.
To expect that you will see eye to eye 100% of the time is simply foolish. On the contrary, if you’re never having disagreements thats a problem too because that means someone isn’t speaking up. I’m not saying that you’re relationship needs to have full blown fights when you disagree. Conflict can be managed very calmly and respectfully, but it is necessary. Part of what makes a relationship healthy is the ability to be vulnerable with each other while feeling secure enough to disagree.
2. You Both Have Needs
This may sound kind of obvious but lets dig in deeper. Most fights that occur for couples is derived out of an unmet need. Often, it’s an emotional need. More often than not a couple will get lost in a conflict about something but when it’s dissected they aren’t actually fighting about whatever the topic of the fight is.
The conflict may start out with “Sally” being mad at “Mark” for watching football all day but under the surface, football is not the problem. It may be that Sally feels lonely, maybe she had hopes of doing something together, or maybe she tried something new around the house and Mark missed it so she feels unnoticed.
The point is, there is often an unmet need behind that conflict that goes unnoticed or untalked about because it requires vulnerability. If you can get past the barrier of vulnerability there is such a great prize of deeper connection on the other side. But without conflict to bring our attention to the need we might miss it.
If you are on the receiving end of your spouse’s frustration don’t pull away. Be curious enough to explore what exactly it is that they are needing and I promise you’ll find something so much bigger and more meaningful than the surface conflict.
3. So. Much. Growth.
This may or may not be obvious but it’s worth noting either way. Conflict can lead to growth. When we come up against something that is challenging and we feel frustrated it’s for a reason. That emotion is there to prompt us to do something and often it means that we need sit with that emotion, wrestle through it, and see what exactly it is that we’re having a hard time with.
In the context of your marriage, it means that you need to recognize it and see where you have some flexibility on the issue to meet your spouse where they are at and vice versa. Sometimes you will have pieces that have little flexibility but often it’s possible to find ways to support each other even with those parts that you each feel firm on. But when you are willing to explore what it is that makes you angry, frustrated, sad, etc. you will find growth for yourself and your relationship.
4. You Will Find Opportunities to Connect
I saved this one for last because it basically sums up the end result of the first three. Connection is what we all desire and strive for within a relationship. We want to know that we aren’t alone, but more importantly, we want to feel like we aren’t alone. I’m not going to sugar coat conflict. It can suck. It can be painful. It can be some the hardest moments in your life. But nevertheless, this holds true.
Within every conflict there is an opportunity to find connection with one another.
This is what makes it all worth it: connection.
Admittedly, this can be an agonizing thing to pursue in the midst of conflict but it’s really the reason the conflict it there in the first place. Something came up that created a disconnection. Whether that was a specific behavior, a difference of opinion, lack of communication, etc. the source of conflict is the result of disconnection (i.e. an unmet need).
So when you are in it, whether it’s mild or the blow up of the century, remember who you are and who they are and that you both are simply trying to find your way back to each other. It’s not that either one of you are jerks. Those are just ineffective behaviors that come out of big emotions that you need to talk about. Remember who you both really are, take some deep breathes or even take a break, and be curious to ask what you both really need.
Then, speak up and say how you feel. Tell each other what you actually need. Don’t just say, “Turn the game off” (remember Mark and Sally above?). But actually say what you need. – “I feel very lonely and when you watch the game I feel more lonely. I need us to find time to spend together.”
Next, challenge yourselves to grow, rise up, and meet each other where you’re at and what their need is. Talk about this. Validate each other’s feelings and needs. Finally, know that this takes intentional effort but the outcome is connection and learning so much about each other. If you want a meaningful, enduring relationship this is a great way to support that.
As always, let me know some of your thoughts in the comments below. I’d love to continue this conversation with you.
Tune in next week when we dig in to what Criticism really is and what it does.
