How Mindfulness is Changing My Marriage

Mindfulness has really picked up speed in the main stream and it almost has this trendy vibe to it. I’m not complaining, because honestly we all need more mindfulness, but let me also just say that mindfulness is not new. But whenever things become trendy it seems like there is also a lot of misconceptions. So before I get too into this lets talk for a moment about what mindfulness is.

Mindfulness is simply a practice of being present and engaged in the current experience regardless of how pleasant or painful it it. It means that we are participating fully in the moment, and we are not judging the moment but instead are observing it and just noticing what it is. It is engaging all of our senses, noticing the sensations, and being fully aware.

If you feel like thats a pretty broad description that’s because it is. Mindfulness is not something that fits into a box and it doesn’t have to look a certain way. And here’s my favorite part. When practicing mindfulness, there’s no such thing as perfection!!

When practicing mindfulness, there’s no such thing as perfection!!

How To:

Mindfulness can be practiced in ways such as meditation or guided imagery, which can be really relaxing but not always.

You can practice it just by noticing your breathe. Taking in deep breathes and just noticing what it feels like for the air to enter and leave your body.

That might sound easy enough, but the challenge is keeping your focus there. Your goal is to stay with your breathe. So when you mind wanders to thoughts about lunch, your big to-do list, or how you can’t wait for the weekend you let those go and you come back to your breathe. Over. And over again. That’s the challenge.

You can also practice by mindfully washing the dishes, eating, taking a shower, having a conversation, listening to music, driving, etc. The goal is to do one thing at a time and continue bringing your brain back to the one thing you are intentionally trying to participate in.

Why Mindfulness:

Stay tuned for a post with a lot more information about the science behind mindfulness. I love learning the “why’s” about things and if I’m going to invest my time into something there better be some good reasons for it. So if you’re like me then hear me on this. I promise that the research is strong and the benefits seem endless to practicing mindfulness.

It helps strengthen new neuropathways, increases our focus, reduces stress, is helpful in reducing anxiety and depression, is helpful in pain management, and increases our connection to the people and things around us.

My Why:

All of those reasons above are motivation for me to be more mindful, but one of my biggest “whys” is my husband. When we got married and we said, “I do,” that wasn’t intended to mean that we would just co-exist together. When we we said it, we meant that we were giving our lives to spend together and that we were committed to giving ourselves to each other. And maybe even more importantly than that, we were committing to receiving each other – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, all of it.

This applies to those moments of deep, deep connection just as much as it applies to the daily grind of life. When my husband reaches out for my attention it is just as important when he is saying how tired he is (because our son hasn’t slept normal for a year) as it is when he tells me he feels lonely or that he’s upset about something. And vice versa.

He deserves my attention. He deserves that I notice he hasn’t eaten lunch in a week because work is too busy to make lunch. He deserves that I notice that he cleaned the kitchen. He deserves that I notice the way his skin ages as we are slowly aging together and living life. He deserves that I notice his voice, his touch, his smell. He deserves that I notice the news article he found that he knew I’d want to read. He deserves that I notice his chaotic days and his needs as well as his great and successful days. He deserves that I notice him.

Truth Time:

I’m going to own my story for a moment and share with you all that I am really good at finding ways to distract, keep busy, and “live in the future”. It’s a coping skill that has served me very well for many years and has helped me distract from things going on in the moment that I couldn’t change. It’s what helped me get through tough times in high school and plan out my degree through grad school before my sophomore year (of high school) started. Because planning is my other skill. “If I can just plan enough then….” Ya, that’s a false reality.

Anyways, sometimes my distractions are not all that productive, and they certainly aren’t mindful. *cough* cell phone/social media *cough*

My phone is the one complaint that my hubby has always had and I can’t even get defensive about that. Sometimes I do, but I’m really trying to own this one because it’s true.

My phone is such a great way to keep me from being mindful and participating in my actual life (and I know I’m not alone on this one). And it certainly keeps me from noticing my husband. Especially the sweet, little moments life gives me from him.

While it’s tough to own this one and be vulnerable I know that I’m not as mindful with him as I could be and he deserves that I notice him. We deserve that from each other. This need was one of my biggest red flags that I needed less distractions and more mindfulness.

The Process:

Mindfulness is not a new practice for me. It’s been a part of my life for the last 4 years after I was trained in it so that I could incorporate it into my sessions as a therapist. Over the last year, however, I have been working on being more serious about my practice. After my second child was born it became very clear how many things in my life were pulling me for my attention and trying to fool myself into thinking I could handle everything all at once was not helping anyone.

I quickly learned how much it was needed for me to do only one thing at a time and to do so mindfully. Trying to multi-task, especially with that lovely “mom brain” after having a baby, only led to forgotten items at the grocery store, anxiety, feeling stretched thin, and most of all, I felt like I was never able to give each of my kids, my husband, and even my dogs enough attention.

My first step with this was accepting the reality that no matter what my life and schedule looks like I will never be able to give them all of the attention I want to give them, and that doesn’t mean it’s not enough. The anxiety behind that thought is only the nasty and untrue belief that sometimes shows up and says that “I’m not _____ enough.” Mindfulness allows me to just observe that thought and let it go. I don’t have to attach myself to it. It’s only a thought.

My second step is to choose one thing to focus on at a time. In MANY cases, this means leaving my phone behind. It’s ok if I leave it across the room or house, or just leave it in my purse. It only gives me that temptation to grab it and mindlessly distract. Meanwhile, my kids are imagining new adventures and my husband is right there ready to connect.

The challenge for me on this is that I almost always have a running to-do list going on in my head. It gets overwhelming and everything feels so important. But when I’m mindful about what I’m doing, I’m choosing one of those things and just focusing (and actually get more done). I’m engaged and present with that one task. I’ll get to the others when it’s time. I also have to practice it in other ways like meditation to help my brain strengthen the ability to do this all the time, but this is what it realistically looks like in my day-to-day life.

What’s Changed:

The change that I’ve had over the last year has been big and meaningful. It’s also been slow and really hard at times. The biggest change has actually come over the last month as I’ve cut myself off from my personal social media accounts and I’ve limited my time on my business accounts.

My anxiety and feeling overwhelmed has drastically reduced. I’m also finding that it’s become easier to accept the chaos that life naturally brings and tolerate that things don’t have to be perfect and it’s ok if my to-do list isn’t done. It’s ok to leave the dishes and mindfully spend time with my family instead.

It’s weird to explain, but I also feel like my brain does not feel like it’s on overdrive/mush at the same time. I didn’t realize that I even felt that way, specifically while on my phone, until I cut out social media. It’s like the screen is so overstimulating while at the same time it takes very little cognitive brain power. I don’t know if there’s research to support that description but it feels that way.

The biggest change of all is my marriage. I’m not saying that mindfulness has created the “happily ever after.” We’re still two humans who have to put in effort to make this things healthy and work. But practicing mindfulness has given me new awareness of our strengths and needs; thus, working on our needs. It’s given me opportunities to participate more in the relationship and attune more to my husband’s needs. It’s helping us grow.

Most of all, being more mindful and creating this regular practice has allowed me to feel like I’m not missing my life and my marriage. It’s not passing me by because I’m willing to be engaged in the moments in front of me. That’s not always easy. We have two toddlers, two full time+ jobs and this blog, two dogs, a house, and we’ve had ongoing colds in our house for 3 months. But this is my life and I don’t want to miss it. I want to connect with my husband now and be a present wife even in the stress. I don’t want to distract and live for the “when …. happens I’ll be happy and less anxious.”

I want to be mindful about my life and my marriage. I want to be present for the better and worse, sickness and health, the richer and poor, and I want to love and cherish it all until death do us part.

Mindfulness has been a wonderful addition to my life personally and professionally. That’s why April is the month of mindfulness on Married&. Stay tuned for more posts about this practice and follow me on instagram – @marriedand_ for more tips.