Mindfulness practice was first introduced to me about 4 or 5 years ago and I’m going to be honest, I thought it was so weird. I was in grad school and my professor had us close our eyes and pay attention to our breath and I had a really hard time with this. I couldn’t focus, I judged the whole process, and I thought it was some weird “woo-woo” thing that I didn’t want to do. Just being real here. I know I’m not alone in that initial reaction, but I will loudly proclaim how wrong I was.
Now to be fair, there are some roots in eastern meditation practices that western culture has drawn from in our understanding of mindfulness practice. And to be fair, that might feel uncomfortable for some but hear me out. Meditation is a part of religions and practices such as Buddhism, but when we really break it down it is also a part of any religion that includes prayer or reflection. By definition, that’s really what meditation is. It’s a time of intentional reflection and stillness.
So what does this mean?
What this means is that regardless of your own personal beliefs with religion and spirituality, or lack there of, mindfulness can be personalized and meaningful to you. For myself, I am a Christian and I do spend time in prayer and meditation and this is so meaningful to me.
For me, this simply means that I am doing one thing at a time, staying focused on my prayer and present moment, and as I meditate I am allowing myself to concentrate on something specific. Sometimes that’ s my breath, sometimes that’s a mantra, sometimes that’s scripture, and other times it’s just listening and being still.
If you have a faith or spirituality of any kind I encourage you to incorporate it into your mindfulness practice as it will increase how meaningful it is. However, the practice of mindfulness and meditating is not tied to a specific religion and is more about increasing your ability to be present in all that you do.
So what are other myths about mindfulness?
- You have to be completely focused.
- You have to meditate.
- Mindfulness will make you happy.
- Mindfulness is too hard to do.
- Mindfulness will make you “too soft” and “doesn’t solve anything.”
Corrections:
I’m going to explain what exactly mindfulness is and address these myths along the way.
Mindfulness is a practice of being fully engaged in the present moment, whatever that may be. Whether the moment is pleasant or uncomfortable we are present. It is also the practice of being fully aware of ourselves and the things around us. Rather than being in the “doing mind” or on auto pilot we are in the “being mind” and fully participating.
There are endless ways to practice mindfulness and it seems like there are endless benefits. There is research that shows that it is helpful in managing anxiety, depression, pain management, reduces reactivity, improves sleep and diet, can support you in improving relationships and parenting, improves your physical health, reduces stress, and so much more.
When practicing mindfulness it can be helpful to keep in mind the “What” and the “How” skills that were developed in DBT by Marsha Linehan.
What Skills:
Observe – Notice what is going on within you and around you. Notice and observe with curiosity.
Describe – Describe what you have observed. Avoid making assumptions and interpretations. Describe things in a “matter of fact” kind of way. Even your thoughts. You can say, “I’m noticing that I’m having an anxious thought about….” Remember, if you didn’t observe it, you can’t describe it.
Participate – Fully participate in the moment. Don’t disconnect or distract but be fully there and join in the moment. If you get distracted, just notice it and come back.
How Skills:
Non-judgmentally – We don’t judge the moment. Its not good or bad, it just is. We don’t judge our thoughts, feelings, or even distractions. We just notice them and allow them to be there. Judging them only creates shame, pulls us out of the moment, and keeps us from growing and moving forward.
This does not mean we don’t use discernment about things that need to be worked on, but it does mean that we can let go of unrealistic expectations and perfectionism. We can let go of the struggle of what we think things should be and allow them to be what they are. More importantly, we allow ourselves to live in the moment that is in front of us and we don’t miss our life.
One Mindfully – We do one thing at a time. It is a myth that we can multi-task. Our brain is able to switch tasks very quickly but that means that we aren’t actually being present; we’re being split. When you notice that you are splitting yourself across things just notice it, and then come back to your one thing.
Effectively – We do what works. We do what we need to do to be present and participate. If the moment is overwhelming and stressful then we notice that and practice a coping skill to keep us regulated and in the moment.
Out With the Myths:
So now that you understand what mindfulness is let’s talk about those myths.
1. You have to be completely focused
While mindfulness can increase your focus there is no expectation that you stay completely focused. The beauty of this practice is that it is so forgiving and remember, we practice being non-judgmental. There may be times that you practice mindfulness and are amazingly focused and other times you are completely distracted. Both are ok and that’s part of the process!
The goal is that each time you notice that you are distracted you come back to what you are focusing on. That moment that you notice your distraction, you are being mindful again. Over time, this become easier to do and the more that you practice being mindful and coming back to your “one thing”, the more you are strengthening those neuropathways in your brain to be focused, present, and aware.
2. You have to meditate.
Meditation is only one way for you to practice being mindful. That key word there is “practice” though. Our goal is to be mindful in all that we do but we have to exercise our brain to help increase our present focused mind. We can truthfully practice being mindful with anything simply by pausing to observe, describe what is going on, and engaging all of our senses.
We can mindfully check in with ourselves and name our emotions. We can observe our thoughts and notice where our mind is taking us. Are we having focused thoughts? Thoughts about what we fear or worry about? Are we having thoughts that are judging ourselves and our current moment? Just notice them and describe them.
We can mindfully eat, exercise, play a game, listen to music, wash dishes, etc. Whatever we are doing our goal is to stay present, focused, and do one thing at a time. Those are just as important and effective as meditation exercises.
3. Mindfulness will make you happy.
Mindfulness does not make you happy. You might feel happy or calm at the end of the exercise, but truthfully, that’s not the goal. There are moments in life that are really painful and uncomfortable and we have to learn to tolerate and participate in those moments just as much as the ones that feel really great.
While this is admittedly very difficult it is also very important. By practicing mindfulness in the moments of discomfort we are giving ourselves an opportunity to intentionally respond to the moment rather than react. We then get a chance to participate in a way that feels good, build our self-respect over the long haul, and we have better chances of maintaining our relationships because we may not be exploding and reacting at other people.
4. Mindfulness is too hard to do.
It can be hard. This is true. But it’s also true that wherever you are in your mindfulness practice is where you are and that’s ok. This is a process, so whatever it is like for you in this moment is ok. It may be different tomorrow, or even 5 minutes from now. Give yourself permission to be right where you are so you can start working and growing from this moment, not the one that has been built up in your head (and remember that we all do that, so no judgment. And if you notice your judgment then don’t judge your judging. Just notice it.)
Being present and aware is not an easy thing to do at times. So, start small. Start with just noticing your breath. Or maybe that’s too uncomfortable, so start with sitting outside and take in the weather and what you see around you. Don’t expect perfection. Again, it’s not about that. Just show up to your life and be present and allow yourself and your life to just be as it is in that moment.
You may find that you gain new awareness and insight. It’s this awareness that gives us information about how we need to grow and change. This leads me to this final myth.
5. Mindfulness will make you “too soft” and “doesn’t solve anything.”
For some people they have this idea that by being present they are going to be weak or “soft” and they have this resistance to being present and in the moment because it feels like they are “settling” and that they aren’t solving anything.
I can understand this. In fact, I’ve felt and thought this myself. But then I learned about this balance of acceptance and change.
There are times in our life that no matter how much we would like to change something, we can’t. We can’t change someone’s behavior. We can’t change the house we live in. We can’t change how much debt we are in. We can’t change our weight. We can’t change that we disagree with our spouse about something. We can’t change these things right this second and the more we try to convince ourselves that we can the more we struggle and suffer.
Now, those things CAN change at some point, but rarely do those things change in our timing and in the way that we want. So this is where acceptance comes in. Sometimes we have to practice accepting that this is where we’re at. This does not mean that we agree with it, like it, approve of it, or think it’s fair. It simply means that we are letting go of that struggle where we trick ourselves into thinking that “if we could just do enough…. then I would be happy.”
We have to learn to accept this current moment and participate right here, right now so that we can respond as effectively as we can. When we accept the moment we might feel that pain. But it’s that pain that drives us to the next moment where we do something different rather than sitting in the suffering saying, “If only…” And truthfully, sometimes that “different” thing is responding by taking a deep breath and going for a walk instead of yelling or shutting down.
On the other side of this teeter totter is change.
There are moments that we get to make choices that create change. We get to do something big and different, and we get to grow. Those are such awesome moments but they aren’t constant (at least not the big change kind of moments).
For example, you might hate your job and desperately want out but you need your income. By accepting this moment and situation you might show up to work anyway, do the best job that you can, practice some skills to keep you calm and focused, observe all that you can to learn what it is that doesn’t feel good there and you do what you need to do to make that situation work because finding a new job takes time.
At the same time, when you have moments to look for a new job you fully focus there. You work on that resume, you spend time reflecting on what needs to be different in the next job, and you follow through with submitting applications. You create change and purse new things in the moment that’s appropriate to fully focus on this.
The Difference:
In the scenario where you might not be mindful and you’re resisting acceptance you might find that you are really distracted. Instead of accepting the moment you are tuned out at work, looking for jobs at times that your focus needs to be elsewhere, you have a really bad attitude at work and with your family, and there’s a good chance that you are turning to other things like food, alcohol, Tv, etc. to “solve” things. And lets be honest, none of those things really solve our problems. It might feel good in the moment but long term it will fail you.
It’s a balance and it takes work. So going back to that myth. There is nothing “soft” or “weak” about making a situation that is really challenging in your life work. Life is inevitably going to bring painful and difficult things your way and it takes strength to be present and endure it. When you can accept that what is happening in front of you is real you are turning on the light in your life to see the windows and doors that give you the next steps to create movement in your life.
Mindfulness needs to be a daily practice. We only have this moment in front of us. It will never happen again. Let’s notice this moment and really live it.
Mindfulness continues to change me and help me grow. (You can read more about that here.) I would love to hear from you and how your mindfulness practice is going or what you like to do to practice it. Let me know in the comments below!
