How do you tell your love story?
When you think about your marriage and the history of your relationship what comes to mind? When someone asks you how the two of you met, what do you say? In other words, what’s your relationship’s narrative? What’s your’ story?
It might seem odd, but your answer to this question actually says a lot about the status of your marriage and the direction that you’re headed.
Why your description matters.
I reference Dr. John Gottman a lot. If you’ve been around my blog you know that. But honestly, how can I not talk about all of his research when it’s so powerful and helpful? This post is inspired by yet another one of his gems, but having history of working with couples I can vouch for it. In a nutshell, the way you describe your relationship is a window into your perspective as well as the relationship’s current resiliency and ability to endure hardship. Your description basically says whether or not you are able to find connection and positive meaning within the hard stuff. It paints the picture of how you see things and whether or not you look back on your history with fondness and admiration.
Perspective.
Is the glass half empty or half full? That’s been a perspective question that’s been around forever and it’s easily applied to this scenario. When you think about your relationship do you see it from the perspective that everything is wrong, too hard, and your spouse is to blame for X, Y, Z? Or maybe you even think back to specific events and still just feel bitterness or simply think the worst of things. You might say, “We were completely broke for a while because he/she couldn’t get our finances together I was stressed. It was really horrible and I still can’t believe they did that to me.”
Or, when you think back do you say, “I remember there was a time that things were really hard and we had no money. But we somehow found a way to stick together. We had to eat ramen for weeks but he got really creative with sauces and it was hilarious.” (I actually know a couple that told me this.)
Not every relationship starts off smooth sailing, and honestly, that’s ok. What’s important here is how do the two of you look back on that history and what story do you tell? What parts of your story do you focus on?
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
When you describe how you met do you highlight all the hard stuff? Do you make it really clear how hard things were or what was wrong with the other person?
Or, do you tend to highlight the good? Do you remember the growth and change that came out of the hardships?
Ask yourself this: When I think back on our story do I feel bitterness and resentment, or do I feel fond of my spouse?
If you’re finding that you feel some bitterness and resentment you’ve just hit a red flag. There may be a variety of reasons why you are feeling that way. Perhaps you had a recent fight or you’re going through something painful, or maybe you’re experiencing some big changes or transitions. Regardless, it’s a red flag saying that you need to work on connecting with each other and strengthening parts of your relationship.
The truth is, we all have some good, bad, and ugly parts of our marriage. That’s just a result of us being human. But when we’re able to look back on those bad and ugly parts and find ways to lighten up that experience and focus on the good parts it just feels good. And, it keeps us from feeling miserable and hopeless.
This isn’t to say that those bad parts don’t exist or that you should forget about them. This just means that there are better parts of the relationship that you’re focusing on and that you’re able to find some meaning within those ugly parts.
I’ve heard some couples describe really ugly and volatile parts of their relationship while smiling as they reflected proudly on how much they’ve grown and learned about each other. They didn’t ignore the fact that things were painful in the beginning. They just chose to focus on what they took from that experience and how they feel closer now.
Bonus:
Aside from what we discussed above there is an added bonus to telling your story and reflecting fondly on your relationship’s history. First, it can feel good, but second, it has an effect of re-igniting emotions.
Sometimes we get caught up in life and we forget about what we’ve gone through or how we felt in the beginning of the relationship. When you tell your story and remember those special things that your spouse did for you or the funny things that didn’t go as planned you can actually start to generate some of those emotions that you felt back then. So when you’re having a hard time connecting or bringing down the intensity of your anger so that you can talk it can be helpful to reflect back on why you fell in love in the first place.
Part of how you keep the spark alive is remembering where that spark started.
So, what’s your love story?
Extra:
I found this gem from The Gottman Institute and had to share. Here’s a little love quiz on your story.
