We’ve been talking a lot about mindfulness in marriage lately but now it’s time to talk about what to do when our spouse isn’t mindful and isn’t present.
I don’t know about you guys but there are few times in my life that I have felt more lonely than when my husband and I are not connected. That may be because I’m checked out or he is, but the feeling is just the same. You know they are right there and you desperately want to connect, but for whatever reason they just aren’t present or practicing mindfulness (or you aren’t). It’s lonely. It’s frustrating. It’s scary. And its so confusing.
The easy thing to do is to come up with some story in my head about why he’s not present and why he won’t be mindful. I could name call, I could make excuses for him, and I could even project my own issues onto him to explain why he’s not present in the way that I know he “should be”.
Honestly though, none of the that is going to help and all of that is the breeding ground for resentment, criticism, contempt, disrespect, and further disconnection.
I’m not going to lie, it can feel good for a moment to go to that place where we are “so right” and we “know” what is wrong with them, but that feeling doesn’t last and it doesn’t add anything good to your marriage. It simply strengthens your practice of destructive habits.
So what can you do when your spouse is checked out?
1.) Prepare.
When you are approaching any hurdle or potential conflict in your marriage I can’t stress how helpful it is to take some time to prepare yourself. Before you even go to them and say something you need to do your own check in and ask yourself this.
“What lens am I looking at them through?”
What I mean by this is that when we are feeling angry, resentful, lonely, etc. it is very easy to look at the world around us and the people we love through that perspective. We often aren’t even aware that we are doing this, which is yet another reason for us to practice our own mindfulness to increase our awareness.
But lets take an honest look at that. If we are angry or feeling bitter and we start this story in our head about why our spouse is disconnecting or just totally checked out then we are likely to come up with all kinds of things. We may very easily come to the conclusion that “they are a jerk that just doesn’t care.” But is that really fair to assume and believe for either of you?. Is that really who they are?
So before you go there, pause and remember who they really are and who this person is that you love. Pause and remember all of the things that you are grateful for about them. Pause and remember that they are a human being that is navigating this complicated life too and they may be doing the best that they can, even if there is room for continued growth and change.
Finally, pause and remember that you are a team even when it doesn’t feel like it, and they need you to join them wherever they are in this moment. (P.S. That’s you being mindful in a moment of discomfort. Remember, mindfulness is being present in both the comfortable and uncomfortable experiences.)
2. Set Your Own Example
That’s right. You’ve gotta check yourself and notice your room for growth. I know the next thing you were probably hoping I’d say is to go tell them what they need to do different but honestly, you’ve got to start with yourself.
If you want them to be more present and show up then you have to do that first and not with resentment. You can’t make efforts to be more present while thinking, “See, here I am being more present than they are. I knew they wouldn’t be able to do this.”
You know what that sounds like? Contempt. That’s the poison that sets your mindset to one that believes you are above them, and whether you say it out loud or not I bet they feel that.
So when I say that you have to be present and set the example I’m saying that you have to actively listen to them, actively observe and notice them, and actively look for their bids for connection. Which, by the way, can sound like, “Can you please get dinner started I’m so stressed with work right now.” Oddly enough, their bid may also be their silence.
If they are silent and this isn’t who they used to be or would normally be then there is a lot of room for opportunities to connect. Be curious about why they are in that place and don’t assume that it has anything to do with you unless they told you. That silence may be their communication that they are burnt out or that they desperately need your support.
The point here is that when we set our own example, actively try to be present, and when we put in the work to notice our spouse we are going to accomplish three things:
We are going to give them an an example to match and to join us in.
We are going to feel better ourselves because we’re more engaged.
Finally, we are going to learn a lot about our spouse.
3. Express and Wait
This is the time that you need to have the conversation. We can’t expect your spouse to make a change if you don’t communicate it clearly to them. At the same time, we have to also accept that the only person you can change is you. So what this means is that there are times that we can express what we want and need, but then we have to wait for them to respond. We have to give them room to process because the nagging not only puts on unwanted pressure but it often turns to criticism.
What I have learned is that there is a very delicate balance between biting your tongue and putting it all out there. The key is attunement to yourself and them. It’s noticing which side of the spectrum you need to land on based on where each of you are at mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.
Have the conversation with them and start it up gently. Set the stage for an intentional and respectful conversation. You can do this by saying, “When the kids go to bed tonight lets make some cookies/a drink/a snack/insert something you both like to have and lets talk. I want to get on the same page about things.”
This is helpful for both of you so that you have time to get into the right mindset and so it doesn’t feel like an attack, rather an intentional conversation of respect and growth. You’re also setting the conversation up for success by creating a setting that isn’t stressful, chaotic, or putting either one of you on the spot.
This is a really great and healthy habit to get into.
4.) Identify and Express Your Emotional Need.
Finally, express what it is that you feel, want, and need. Keep in mind that you need to speak from your perspective. I also challenge you to be vulnerable. Ask yourself what it means to you when they are present and communicate that in a loving way.
For example, when my husband is present with me and our family and when I feel like he is engaged with us I feel incredibly loved, noticed, and taken care of. So when that isn’t happening I feel really overwhelmed. When I get right down to it I feel worried about him and what he might be going through.
I can’t get to all of that truth though if I’m not willing to be vulnerable and if I’m not willing to step out of my defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and if I don’t take off those lenses that say, “Ugh, he just doesn’t care.” Because that’s bull. That’s just my emotion mind taking over and building up that wall of defense so that I don’t have to put myself out there and be vulnerable.
5.) Acceptance:
Look guys, there is nothing easy about noticing when a change is needed in your marriage and knowing that you can’t control the other person. Practicing acceptance that they have to do their own work and that their best at this current moment is not what you want is hard. But that’s also why you’re in this together.
There are going to be seasons of your marriage where one of you is falling behind. You have got to remember though that even within that you have an opportunity to connect and support each other in that. But if you aren’t having the vulnerable conversations about your needs and you’re not ready to listen to where they are at then it’s going to be very difficult to make long term change.
I’m not talking about the conversations where you say, “I need you to be more present.”
I’m talking about the one where you say, “I feel lonely and I so badly want to support you and feel connected. And when you come home and say nothing to me I feel deserted. I want to meet you where you are at so I’m ready to listen. How are you doing? Honestly.”
6.) Show Up and Be Ready to Offer Support
I don’t know why your spouse is distracted, disconnected, shut down, etc. There could be so many reasons why. And I applaud you for noticing this need and recognizing your desire. Your next step is to practice your own mindfulness and engagement and be willing to show up for them. Hold that space for them, listen, and set your mindset on the fact that this is a person you fell in love and has some needs going on too.
Now here’s where you’ve gotta be ready to step up. If they are vulnerable enough to give you honest answers about where they are at and why it is a challenge to be present, then you need to be ready to meet them there and give them the support they need to make a change.
When things go astray in a relationship both people have needs going unmet. I’ve yet to come across a situation that was one sided so remember that if you’re hurting and feeling lonely, they might be too. The challenge is that you both have to be vulnerable and find your way back to each other in this dance that is your relationship.
Let this sink in and give me some of your thoughts. Let me know how this goes in the comments below. And you haven’t already, subscribe to my newsletter to stay up to date on the latest posts, resources I’ve found, helpful tips, and fun date night ideas! You can also follow me on Instagram and Pinterest to see more posts and helpful tips throughout the week. Enjoy!
