Over the years, and within my role as a therapist in my regular job, I’ve learned that one of the greatest things we can individually bring to conflict management is our awareness that we need a break. In my previous post (here it is if you haven’t read it yet) I talked about why we need to take  a break when conflict starts to get too heated and start to turn into a fight. Now I want to talk about how to tell when you need a break.

The Challenge of Pausing a Fight and Taking a Break

I know there may be some of you that are reading this and thinking that it’s easy to know when to break. And for those of you that are thinking that, good for you (I really mean that. I’m not being sarcastic.  It really is good.) For so many other people though, it’s really not. I would say that more often than not people don’t realize that they need a break until after they’ve already said or done something that’s hurtful and things have blown up.

It’s like there is this edge or line you’re not supposed to cross and you both know it.  But sometimes, you get so flooded and caught up in the moment that you don’t realize you’re crossing that line until you’re already over it. That’s a problem.

I will also admit that it can be so hard to take the break when you know you need it because it can be SOOO uncomfortable to sit with the emotions and resist the urge to yell, name call, and/or say your point a million times in hopes that the other person will finally get it. Because let’s be real, yelling feels really good in the moment. So does slamming that door. That’s why we do it. We get something out of it, but it’s only a temporary relief and it doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, it usually just adds to the problem.

So, we have to each be responsible for ourselves and how we show up in the relationship. We have to be responsible for how we react when our emotions become really intense. The good news is that there are a lot of red flags that happen to tell us it’s time for a break and if we pay attention to them we have a better chance at avoiding those blow up fights.  There’s also an increased chance that you might be able to communicate and understand each other’s perspectives more.

Before I get to those red flags I want to throw this in because I know some of you won’t read to the bottom to catch this.  When you take the break you MUST communicate that you need the break and agree on a time to come back to the conversation.  That might be an hour later, a day later, or a week later but you have to come back to it.  This tool is NOT about avoiding issues.  It’s about self-soothing and noticing that you’re getting sucked into a conflict cycle and pausing it so you can reset.  Don’t forget this part.

Alright, lets get to some of those signs.

20 Red Flags That Tell You to Take a Break

  1. When your heart rate starts racing. – We know from lots of research that when your heart gets above 100 BPM your body is becoming flooded and prepared for “fight or flight.” This response disconnects your from the reasonable/logic side of your brain.  This means your emotions run the show and they might get you into trouble.
  2. When it feels like your blood is boiling or there is a ton of energy running through your body.
  3. When you have the urge to roll your eyes.
  4. When you can’t stand to keep your words in your mouth and listen.
  5. When you feel so defensive that you are unable to listen to your partner or problem solve. If you feel stuck, you are.
  6. When you want to scream or slam a door, or even break something.
  7. When you start using words like “you always” or “you never” and you’re unable to rephrase yourself in a less criticizing way
  8. When you feel like you’re no longer listening and you’re only physically present, but not mentally or emotionally present.
  9. When you want to make a big decision like leaving or breaking up. Make this decision from a calm state of mind.
  10. When you want to name call.
  11. When you are having trouble being flexible and hearing the other person’s request.  Or,when you feel like you aren’t able to articulate your request clearly.
  12. When you are in a location where you can’t comfortably talk about your needs, such as being in public or at a family gathering.
  13. When you find yourself judging or belittling yourself or your spouse.
  14. When you feel like you’re not even sure what the problem is that you’re arguing about anymore. Or, when you aren’t sure what you are feeling but you’re reacting out of it anyway.
  15. When your body begins to feel very tense or heavy.
  16. When you’re unable to stop crying.
  17. When you just can’t be nice. You can say what you need or explain your problems without being mean or rude. That doesn’t mean the conversation is easy, it just means that you can be kind while talking about hard stuff. If you find that you can’t do that it’s time to take a break and come back to it later.
  18. When you find the conversation is going in a circle.
  19. When you feel like you are out of control.
  20. When you feel like you’ve hit a wall and you just need to take care of yourselves. You might need to self-soothe, you might just need some quiet space, and you might just need to eat or sleep. Being hungry or exhausted doesn’t help the situation and taking care of those things can sometimes help you feel better enough to listen and problem solve when you come back.

 

There are honestly so many more red flags but these are very common issues that help get us stuck and perpetuate the fight. We muddle around with them and they just add to our feeling of being flooded or to our reaction of shutting down and tuning out. It. Is. Exhausting.

I really believe these are issues that add to our feeling of being out of control too. Despite how necessary conflict and confrontation can be to a relationship (Yes, you read that right. We need it to grow and understand each other.) it’s not easy. And so many times it might feel like we just can’t handle it. But guys, you can and it doesn’t have to be a blow up kind of fight every time an issue comes up.

When the Fight Starts, Be Responsible for You

Here’s the deal, we have to be responsible for ourselves and be willing to admit that these things are going on. If you notice your partner doing some of these things it’s ok to initiate the break. However, you can’t point fingers like “You can’t keep it together so let’s pause.” Why? Because that sounds like you’re not being very nice either.

Make it about the two of you together and say, “I don’t think we’re on the same page and it feels too tense right now. Let’s pause and take a break. Let’s talk about this in an hour.” Because really, does it matter who was rolling the eyes if the bottom line is that you’re disconnected and not on the same page?

I’m not saying you need to excuse the behavior because rolling your eyes is a form of contempt (AKA – One of the 4 Horsemen).  But I am saying that you have to be a team. So when one person is flooding or shutting down think of it like you’re both flooding.  You have to take care of it together because marriage means that when one person has a problem you both have a problem. You’re a team. So help your spouse and initiate the break for both of you and don’t blame each other.  Let me repeat that.

Don’t blame each other, rather take care of each other.

Because when the storm clears you’re both going to feel better about how you handled things. You have to be a team because this time it my be your spouse rolling their eyes, but next time it might be you.  You’re both going to get flooded and want to check out  at times so just admit that now.  Admit it and join with each other, even in especially in those moments of conflict.

Be willing to pay attention to your behaviors, to the reactions within your body, and to your thoughts. When you notice the red flags, honor them. Unless it’s something that you feel confident that you can manage and check in that moment you need to take at least a 20 minute break for your body to settle. Take the break, go self-soothe (without thinking about the fight or you’ll just stay flooded), and set a clear time about when you both intend on coming back to the conversation. Don’t sweep things under the rug to forget about them if it’s something that needs to be dealt with. Changing the way the conversation goes can create a very different path for your relationship.

Stay tuned for the next post on ways to self-soothe when you take the break!

 

Disclosure:

***Now, here’s the exception. If you are in an abusive relationship these things may not be so cut and dry for you. Some of those red flags I listed can absolutely be or lead to abusive behaviors, especially if they are done repetitively, intensely, and/or intentionally. I will not advise you on what to do about your relationship and this blog is written from my own thoughts and opinions and are not a replacement for therapy or any other professional service.

I will, however, say that your safety and well being is always first. Knowing what to do if you are in an abusive relationship can be incredibly confusing and difficult but you do not have to figure that out alone. Seek help through a friend, family member, church, therapist, shelter, etc. that you can trust.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). It is free and available 24/7 if you need support. Their website is thehotline.org and they have some great resources to support you. They also have a “chat” option available online.