Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and to be perfectly honest, that’s okay. While no one actually likes conflict it is necessary.  When two people are in a relationship they bring different thoughts, opinions, experiences, hopes, and dreams and sometimes these things don’t always fit smoothly together.  So of course, conflict is going to happen.  It should happen.  It’s important that it happens. It means that both people are participating in the relationship and sharing their thoughts and opinions. Sometimes though, the conflict becomes a frustrating and overwhelming fight.  So today lets talk about that and knowing when your fight needs a break.

The concept of having a conflict on it’s own is fine except that we have to add in the emotions and physical reactions that take place during a conflict.  This is what complicates things.  This is what gets us into trouble and this is what can lead those conflicts to full blown fights that we lose control of.

So, learning when your fight needs a break and why is so important. This is what’s going to get you from those heated fights that go round and round (and may or may not include name calling) to a place of understanding and connecting.

Now I realize that in the heat of the moment it can feel like the worst thing to pause the conversation and take a break. You may very well have the urge to fight the break. For my husband and I (and basically every relationship at some point) it can sometimes sound like this.

The Typical Fight Scenario:

Husband: I need to walk away and take a break. I can’t handle this right now.

Wife: No, we need to figure this out right now.

or

Wife: Stop walking away. I’m not done talking. –> Cue following them to next room

(Next fight, switch roles and repeat)

So here’s the problem with that.  My husband asked for a break and I didn’t give it to him. Instead, we probably continued to be flooded and the fight escalated, which is counterproductive to resolving any kind of conflict.

I know most of you  reading this can relate.  It’s ok, we’ve all been there. When you think about it, it’s a tough choice to make.  Do you power through this and try to fix things while being so upset?  Which, by the way, is really difficult to do kindly and productively when you’re emotionally flooded. Or, do you sit with the discomfort of having a disagreement hanging around while you calm down? Which is also really hard.

The thing you have to keep in mind though is what is your long term goal?  The value of taking that break may increase when you keep in mind what that might mean for your relationship long term.

What the Research Says:

Dr. John Gottman, who has spent decades studying relationships, describes being flooded as when your heart rate increases to over 100 beats per minute.  When this happens your body’s natural response to prepare for fight or flight kicks in (i.e. The Four Horsemen).  Additionally, the part of your brain that is able to think critically, and more importantly hear and listen to a different perspective, literally goes offline.

So what does this mean?  Potentially, the other person could literally be saying what you want to hear and you could miss it and keep arguing. This is also the reason that you might say something you don’t mean.  But then you calm down and your brain reconnects all departments and you now feel bad about what you’ve said/suddenly understand what they were talking about.

See why trying to handle a conflict when you’re flooded is such a problem?

Wouldn’t it be so much easier and better if we could just skip over being flooded and saying those things we don’t mean?

Fortunately, we can by being willing to take a break during the conversation and knowing when you or your spouse are flooded.  I will admit that it does take a lot of work, self-control, and willingness to sit with the discomfort of temporarily having a conflict unresolved.  If you can do this though, I promise that you’re setting yourselves up for better conversation and opportunities to understand each other more.

Ground Rules to Set Before the Fight:

It’s really important to recognize the signs for when your fight needs a break and I talk about that here in Part 2.  For now lets start with the ground rules for taking a break.

  1. In order for this to work you both have to respect each other’s request for a break and honor it.
  2. Commit to coming back to the conversation when you are in a more calm state and set a time.
  3. Don’t focus on the fight the entire time you take a break or you’re going to stay heated and defensive.
  4. You can’t use taking a break as a way to avoid a conversation or to blow off your spouse. Avoidance does nothing but perpetuate the issue and if you’re blowing your spouse off you’re causing more damage and hurt.

 

 

These are all critical for this to work.  Without them it’s likely that one or both of you will feel more hurt when you don’t come back to the conversation and you risk creating an “avoidance cycle” in your relationship.  You have to honor each other’s request to take a break and remember that when your spouse asks to pause it’s not because they don’t care.  In fact it’s just the opposite.  They care so much that they want to take a break so that no one says hurtful things and the issue can be resolved in a healthy way. That’s pretty awesome and a great way to protect your relationship in my opinion.

I’ve worked with lots of couples and one of the biggest struggles I’ve heard when it comes to taking a break is the fear that things won’t be resolved and the conversation won’t be resumed.  I get that.  It’s so scary to leave it out there and when something is wrong within the most important relationship to you it can hurt and leave you feeling vulnerable.  You might even worry that they’ll forget you or not care to come back to it.

Because of this, many people have the urge to want to shut down the request for a break.  It’s basically a reaction that comes out of the need to defend and protect themselves, but defensiveness does NOT work long term.  Taking a break when you are flooded requires trust, and in order to build trust you must take risks.

So how do you set this up?

At some point when you aren’t in a conflict talk about this with your spouse.  Agree on a term to use such as “time out”, “break”, saying “let’s pause”, etc. Then you both need to agree to the ground rules. When it comes time to put this to use you must set a time to come back to the conversation.  Take at least 20 minutes for your body to settle and then come back to it. While you take a break do some self-soothing.  Focus on calming down so that you are ready to be respectful, effective, and able to re-connect to your spouse when you go back. Practice this and let me know how it goes.